MAKE ME LAUGH TODAY …post some humour
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish………………..
Adventurous……………
Athletic………………
Average looking……………..Ug
Beautiful……………..
Contagious Smile…………….Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…………..On medication
Feminist………………
Free spirit………………..
Friendship first……………….Fo
Fun…………………..
Gentle………………..
New Age…………………..
Open-minded……………
Outgoing………………
Passionate…………….
Poet………………….
Professional…………..
Romantic………………
Voluptuous…………….
Large frame…………………
Wants Soul mate…………….Stalke
Widow…………………
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally…..
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!
As a teacher and the mother of a teenager (girl), I had to share this one:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to cle an the mirrors, she asked
the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers…. and then there are educators.
Nine words women use…
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to 3.
VVan Gogh's Family Tree
- His dizzy aunt – Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store – Stop an Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia – U Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois – Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle – Where-diddy Gogh
- His Mexican cousin – A mee Gogh
- The Mexican cousin's American half-brother – Ring Gogh
- The nephew who drove a stage coach – Wells-far Gogh
- The constipated uncle – Cant Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt – Tang Gogh
- The bird lover uncle – Flaming Gogh
- His nephew psychoanalyst – E Gogh
- The fruit loving cousin – Man Gogh
- An aunt who taught positive thinking – Way-to Gogh
- The little bouncy nephew – Poe Gogh
- A sister who loved disco – Go Gogh
- And his niece who traveled the country in a van – Winnie Bay
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
__________________________
Dear Ex-Husband –
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, athough a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confuse with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a
coincidence that MY SISTER had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought
us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
5,000 MEN WERE ASKED TOCOMPLETE A SURVEY ON WHATTHEY LIKED BEST ABOUT ORAL SEX.
3% LIKED THE WARMTH.
4% ENJOYED THE SENSATION.
AND
93% APPRECIATED THE SILENCE
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and his mum quickly dismounts, pulling the covers round her.
'What were you and dad doing?' the little boy asks.
'Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it' she explains.
'Wasting your time' says the boy. 'When you go shoping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'
Small Pleasures of Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day Dawn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Dawn called him a shithead.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
lmao thanks…
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER, the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS… I'm sorry… what did you ask me?
A rather longer version of the PMS gag runs:
One. ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because NO ONE ELSE even KNOWS where the spare light-bulbs are KEPT They would sit there in the the dark, straining their eyes and going BLIND for THREE DAYS before they FIGURED it OUT!
And even if by SOME MIRACLE they managed to FIND the dumb BULBS, TWO WEEKS LATER, the chair they dragged through from the dining room to STAND ON would STILL BE THERE, UNDER the LIGHT SOCKET!
And underneath it would be the WRAPPER the DAMN BULB came in! Because NO ONE EVER PICKS UP RUBBISH IN THIS HOUSE!
The house! THE HOUSE! DO NOT GET ME STARTED ABOUT THE HOUSE It would take an EARTH MOVER to pick up the PILES OF RUBBISH that are 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THIS HOUSE!
Chocolate, chocolate, I need chocolate, WHERE is my CHOCOLATE, I HAD a BAR of CHOCOLATE RIGHT IN THIS DRAWER, I will PERSONALLY rip out and EAT the LIVER of whoever took my chocolate… oh, here it is… DAMN, it's all MELTED at the CORNER and the WRAPPER is all ripped, I can't eat this, oh GOD I am going to be SICK NOW…
So anyway, I saw this cute little pair of shoes in Sears, they'd be just the thing for my new formal and they were only $24.95. What were we talking about?
"Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles
into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps,Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me
to the reason for my letter Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these four words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Have a happy period Are you f**king kidding me?!
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain
really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything that I mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything remotely
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house, just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's, armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan
to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man! If you just 'have' to
slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'?
In closing, sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in P & G's monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
A blind man walked into a local Wal-Mart, with his faithful guide dog by his side. When his ears told him he was past the doors, he hoisted the dog over his head, and spun around several times. The 'greeter' approached, and asked, 'Can I help you with something, sir?' The man replied, 'No thanks… I'm just looking around…' (apologies to those people who are visually challenged, or who make use of 'service animals'… no offence was intended.)
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”
Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat
Condoms!
Imagine if all the major brands started selling their own condoms and kept their original tag-lines.
Sainsbury condoms – making life taste better
Tesco Condoms – every little helps
Nike Condoms – Just do it
Peugeot Condoms – The ride of your life
KFC Condoms – Finger Licking good
Minstrels Condoms – melt in your mouth, not in your hand
Safeway Condoms – Lightening the load
Abbey National Condoms – because life is complicated enough
Coca Cola Condoms – The real thing
Ever Ready Condoms – keep going and going
Pringles Condoms – once you pop, you can't stop
Burger King Condoms – Home of the Whopper
Goodyear Condoms – "for a longer ride, go wide"
Muller light condoms – so much pleasure, but where's the pain?
Flash Condoms – Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford Condoms – we go the extra mile
Royal Mail Condoms – I saw this and thought of you
Andrex Condoms – Soft, strong and very very long
Renault Condoms – size really does matter!
Domestos Condoms – gets right in the rim
Heineken Condoms -reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg Condoms – probably the best condom in the world
Pepperami Condoms – its a bit of an animal
Polo Condoms – the condom with the hole (VERY poor seller )
McDonalds Condoms – I'm Lovin' it!
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.
"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you fifty dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5 o'clock edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
lol now we are going to get blonde jokes
Yup! :-) There is just too many.
True Blonde Stories: Boating
At Lake Isabella, located in the high desert of California an hour east of Bakersfield, a woman, who happened to be blonde–and new to boating–was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine was fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch.
Finally, one of the marina workers jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Cross Examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial – it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
a dyslexic walks into a bra…
In mid-December, a newly-retired CEO was looking forward to Christmas with his wife, and their three adult children. However, a series of phone calls changed that. From his eldest son: "Dad, I know you were looking forward to this, so we'll be there; but my wife quit her job a few months ago, and we just bought a condo in Phoenix for the winters, so we didn't have any money for Christmas presents for anyone." Dad was disappointed, but being together was more important than gifts. From son #2: "Hey Dad, my girlfriend and I will be there, but I lost a bunch of money at the track, and I had to sell my car; could you send me some money for bus tickets?" Wanting his son at home, Dad agreed. From son #3: "Sure, Dad, we'll be there… no gifts, though…. we took the kids to Disneyworld at Thanksgiving, the girls wanted a pony, and I just bought a new snowmobile, so we're kinda broke for a while." Dad just sighed, happy that his family would be together. On the big day, after the Christmas dinner had been cleaned up, Dad said, "Boys, there's something you all should know… your mother and I were never married, even to this very day." The boys all looked at each other, and the oldest asked, "Does that mean we're all bastards?" Dad paused a minute, then replied, "Yep… and cheap ones, too!"
Animal Jokes
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "got any bananas?"
He gets thrown out.
He comes in the next day and asks the same thing, "got any bananas?"
Again, he gets the bums rush.
This goes on for several days until the bartender has had enough of this crap and screams,
"If you ever set foot in the bar again, I am gonna nail your stupid feet to the floor and rip your beak off!" Then the duck is thrown out into the street.
The very next day the duck once again enters the bar and walks up to the bartender.
"Hey buddy! Got any NAILS?" asks the duck
"No, I don't have any nails", screams the bartender.
"Oh…" says the duck. "Got any bananas?"
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
What's with all the mysoginistic shit?!
Since most of the posts are by females and the post by men are pro women..i think you do not have an argument..start your own thread if you like.
Apparently the title of the thread is lost on her… oh well… Not everyone actually has a sense of humour… :-)
ha ha HA ha……………..whats up?
.